Tonight, at 11pm CST (6 minutes ago at the time of this post), I did something. I cleaned my email files. An insignificant thing for most, but not for this hoarder of negative interactions. You see, for over 12 years I have kept folders and subfolders of conversations I've had with people who had beefs with me. People who served under my leadership, people who co-labored with me in ministry, people who randomly left comments on this website debating or pointing out my fallacies in thinking. Tonight, at 11pm CST, it ended.
Years ago a former member of the worship ministry I lead took their life. Recently I realized, in spite of the logic that it wasn't my fault, I was blaming myself. It's been ten years since they've been a part of our ministry. It's been about 7-8 since they took their life. Every year at the anniversary of their death, I ask myself if I did everything I could have as their pastor/shepherd in ministry. Despite knowing the truth, I would open the folder labeled "Good, Bad & Ugly". I would then open the subfolder "Crap of Ministry" then the "sub-sub folder" with their name on it to read through the private messages and emails telling me how horrible I was at the time for not being a good enough leader. This habit and ritual of continuing to give a way for the enemy to paralyze me had to stop. Tonight, I read through them one last time. Praying for forgiveness, praying for their family then those conversations were forever removed from my inbox. 11 years I've held these messages between this individual and myself.
No more reminders of past failings. I've learned the lessons. No more reminders of friends who felt I failed them in some way causing them to leave the ministry of the church I'm at. No more calls of, "You aren't worthy, can't you see Ben? You failed these people and it's just going to happen again." I'm done blaming myself for the decisions of others and letting them control my ability to use my gifts and talents for the Body of Christ. So if you ever sent me scathing emails or social media messages, you likely had a folder. I thanked God for our time together and the lessons our friendship, relationship or interaction gave me. Then I hit delete. Not just the trash, but forever delete. Sometimes it's just good to speak this out loud so it doesn't have silent control. You yourself may be a hoarder of conversations that tear you down as well. Now I'm looking forward to clarity in making decisions that aren't filtered through the voices of the past. Maybe I'll let you know how it's going and you might consider doing the same.
FREEDOM at last!
